Everyone has one. When I was a kid, my Christmas list was miles long. I wanted everything. Every toy, book or accessory ever marketed to children was included upon this list, along with a few choice items that I didn’t realize weren’t even real. One year I wished for a “pocket duplicator”. You know, a device that I could use to make duplicates of any object I wanted, and was small enough to fit in my pocket. Why has no one invented this yet?
As I got older, those lists began to dwindle, to the point where, when asked by family what I want for Christmas, I usually get a blank, deer-in-the-headlights look and mumble, “Uh…I dunno…”
So in a whimsical return to traditions past, I am going to list a few things I want for Christmas this year. Warning: not all of them are sane.
- Some sort of comment moderating system that flags horrific, racist, or just plain nasty internet comments, tracks down their creator, and kicks their stupid, ignorant face in.
- Free education and fee health care without all of the stupid political strings attached.
- A ban on anything and everything ABC Family.
- If you post one of those “omg share this” misinformation posts on Facebook, a big boot comes out of your monitor and BAM, right in the face.
- A “no soliciting” sign on my front door that, when it detects a solicitor about to knock anyway, yells profanities at them until they retreat.
- A magical oven that has presets for pie and cake and cookies and everything else. All you do is push a button and it magically creates and bakes the goodie of your choice while you sit on your butt watching TV.
- A realistic solution to my annoying invisible blonde eyebrows. Like a genetic cheat code or something that permanently changes their color. Get on it, science.
- If you use the words “YOLO, Belieber, Miley Cyrus, or swag” in a sentence, you are barred from speaking again for 24 hours.
- Hovercrafts for everyone! No more rush hour traffic jams or parking tickets.
- A dog. Is that too much to ask?
- Computers that solve their own problems.
- No more automated answering systems when you call a company. I shouldn’t have to talk to a robot to get my stuff sorted out.
- I’d like to have a chat with every clothing designer on the planet so that they understand that not all women are 5 feet tall, and just because you have a larger waist doesn’t mean your legs are tree trunks.
Merry Christmas, y’all.